Lincoln (b)Logs

Dear Readers,

Many have asked me, especially since I began utilizing the subway system, “Abe, what’s with the top hat?”  This question vexes me greatly, and one I dare to answer it with another:

“What’s with your hat?”

Since moving to New York City, modern fashions have been a constant source of discomfiture for me.  I see many men walking with their trousers below their bottoms, and the decolletage is enough to make any gentleman blush before breakfast (ladies - a nice pussy bow wouldn’t hurt from time to time).  In addition, I have had the misfortune of becoming familiar with phrases such as “muffin top” and “camel toe” (ill-fitted jeggings are the worst), and it is exceedingly shameful.

I am proud to walk tall in my top hat.  It is an accessory which many great men have donned (perchance you’ve heard of Slash and T-Pain?), in addition to being most convenient - it is where I store my metro card.

Very truly yours,

A. Lincoln

Dear Readers,

Last evening I spent an enjoyable time with friends aboard the Lightship Frying Pan. Upon arriving, I surveyed the ship and asked one of the deck hands for a demonstration of its artillery.  I was confused when he handed me a bottle of ale (which I did not imbibe though I was grateful for his kindness).  My companions explained to me that the ship is no longer in service but is now a floating tavern.

Being out on the water and feeling the wind in my beard much reminded me of my visits to the Naval Yard and cruises on the Potomac.  When the music began playing and the revelry increased, I became nostalgic, remembering one evening in particular in May 1861 when musicians from the 71st New York Regiment played for myself and an audience of over two hundred guests.  I texted my dear friend and favorite naval officer, Captain John Dahlgren:

AL: Hello Dear Friend!  I hope this evening finds you well?

JD: chillen, u?

AL: I am spending an enjoyable evening upon a glorious ship-tavern.

JD: booze cruise?

AL: Of sorts.  Are you free to join my party perchance?

JD: nah in with tha wifey 2nite

AL: Well understood.  In the future I shall inquire earlier.  Do give my warm regards to Madeleine.  

JD: peace

I was disappointed that I could not inveigle my friend to join me, but passed a fine evening nonetheless.  Several members of our party took quite a seasoning!  Should you find the weather suitable, I highly recommend this establishment.

Your Friend,

A. Lincoln

Dear Readers,

I apologize for my absence.  I spent the weekend visiting friends in Delaware (my favorite border state…apologies, Maryland), and had not a minute to spare to attend to my internet dealings.  I now present you with my first reader question followed by my response:

‘Dear Mr. Lincoln,

I find myself in troubled waters.  My boyfriend of three years is pressuring me to be intimate.  I always vowed to wait for marriage, but alas, I feel as though nature may just take it’s course.  Please, I beg of you to share your thoughts on pre-marital sex.  My future may just hang in the balance.

Yours truly,
Katherine, aka Your Biggest Fan

P.S. - Love the hat.’

Well, Katherine, your agreeable letter and compliments (check back in soon for my Summer fashion review) are well received.  I would allow that many young gentlemen find themselves in want of the flesh, and in my own youth I was no different.  I struggled when relating to the more delicate sex, and worried that if I did not use it, I would lose it.  I even went to visit an obliging working woman at the recommendation of a friend.  However, before the act took place I found I did not have enough money to pay her in full.  As a man of honor I did not want to take out a line of carnal credit and bid her a good day.

My second experience was with the woman who would become my wife, Mary Todd.  We reunited many months after I had broken our first engagement.  I will not divulge the details of that evening (a gentleman does not kiss and tell), but I will say that we were married just days later, our first son being born in exactly nine months time.  These were responsibilities for which I was ill-prepared; I soon learned that marriage is neither heaven nor hell - it is simply purgatory.  

If you are unsure or unwilling to pursue copulation with your beau, do not be coerced to do so.  Perhaps you could suggest co-sleeping?  

A caution should your attitudes change, Katherine: please do use a womb veil or a French letter.

Your sincere friend,

A. Lincoln

Dear Readers,

I have much enjoyed these last few days sharing with you.  I wanted to let you all know that I have expanded this blog to include a feature that allows you to submit questions you may have for me.  I promise to be forthright and politic with my responses, and I assure you no topic shall make me all-overish.

Please click ‘Ask a Question’ at the bottom of this page to submit your inquiry, or email me directly at AskAbeLincoln@yahoo.com.

Very truly yours,

A. Lincoln

People often ask me, “Abe, are you a PC man or a Mac man?”

Well, if there is one thing I have long loved about this great union of states, it is our freedom.  As I said at Independence Hall in 1861, I have never had a feeling politically that did not spring from the sentiments embodied in the Declaration of Independence.  We all, as American citizens, have the right to be free and to choose how we live out our days.

However, this answer rarely seems to please avid technology users of today.  So I will finally put this question to rest by sharing with you, dear readers, an encounter I had at the office just today.  

I’d had a slew of long, dull meetings and thought I deserved a respite and a snack.  When I walked into the break room I was met by two of my colleagues caviling over the question of Macs versus PCs.  

After a few minutes of waiting politely, I became somewhat agitated, as the two debaters were blocking the vending machines (from time to time I enjoy a Snickers in the afternoon…you know that 2:30 feeling), and with a full inbox to attend to I had no time for palaver.  I lost my manners and interjected so as to end the exchange.  I placed my hand on the PC supporter’s shoulder, looked him in the eye and said “Bob, as an American, I respect your right to choose your computer.  But as an intellect, I must say that PCs are for ninnyhammers.”

Many people have inquired as to what I enjoy doing now that I’m living in the great city of New York.  They are often surprised when I say I relish a night out with my closest friends performing the ancient Japanese art of karaoke.  

My first time I was quite shocked by the prices - a dollar a song and not even any Gottschalk in the catalog??  Why, in 1831 a dollar was my wage for driving a wagon of goods all the way from Mississippi to New Orleans!  But times have changed and so must I.  

I admit I did not want to participate at first, but like I’ve said in the past, no man resolved to make the most of himself can spare time for personal contention.  I conceded to the insistence of my friends, and I daresay the audience seemed quite contented with my rendition of My Country ‘Tis of Thee.  

Next Saturday I’ll be at Second on Second singing Courtesy Of The Red, White and Blue by a fine young gentlemen named Toby Keith.  I don’t much understand the line “We’ll put a boot in your ass” (sure to make any mule more stubborn), but I’m told it’s patriotic. I hope to see you all there.

Yours,

A. Lincoln