Lincoln (b)Logs

A Penny Saved Is -$0.014 Earned

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 19:47:00 -0500

It appears that the Lincoln Cent is once again a topic of controversy!

Indeed, this coinage has had its fair share of publicity since it was first struck. For those of you who know not, the penny was the first of all authorized U.S. currency, and has had almost a dozen versions. Minted in 1787, it was designed by none other than Benjamin Franklin and called the “Fugio Cent.”

My own visage was not included on the penny until 1909, when Theodore Roosevelt was kind enough to change the tender in celebration of my 100th birthday. What a centennial honor! Before the backs of the coins were changed in 1958 to depict my memorial, they were “wheat backs,” which are now worth upwards of four cents!

Alas, it seems the days of the penny are numbered. Today, more money is spent to create them than they are worth. It is estimated that taxpayers spend $0.024 to mint just one cent.

Allow me to assure you that I am not affronted by the possibility of the removal of my coin. Just as during my presidency did I wish to preserve the Union, so now do I want nothing more than what is best for the people of this great nation. Whatever differs from this, to the extent of the difference, is no democracy. In addition, I still have my five dollar tender.

No, friends, I am exceedingly honored to have my name associated with one of the longest running coins in the history of world coinage. What, then, is my vexation? It is simply this: with all their boundless resources, why could CNN.com not find a better likeness to myself for their article?

Dear Readers, I hope you stayed dry in last week’s...

Sat, 28 May 2011 15:45:01 -0400

Dear Readers,

I hope you stayed dry in last week’s disagreeable weather! I myself have dreadful luck with umbrellas, and just this morning had yet another turn inside out.

I have had several inquires regarding my wife, Mary Todd. Many of you are curious as to her interests since settling down in The Big Apple. Unfortunately, since I purchased a new Bose Lifestyle V-Class System, she has taken to entertaining herself in front of the television for most of the day. She is quite taken with a program entitled “The Real Housewives of New York,” and was so excited when we were invited to one of Ms. Sonja Morgan’s cocktail parties.

What an evening! Ms. Morgan forgot to wear undergarments, Ms. McCord was escorted out by security, Ms. Bensimon spoke only of gummy bears, and Ms. Singer incessantly yelled something about “turtle time” while drinking wine straight from a bottle she refused to share.

I truly hoped this awful night would end my wife’s obsession, but she enjoyed herself immensely. Just this afternoon Ms. Morgan insisted on taking her shopping to find some more “uptown” clothing. I dread to see what she returns with.

Best,

A. Lincoln

Dear Readers, Apologies for my absence! It has indeed been far...

Mon, 09 May 2011 21:48:08 -0400

Dear Readers,

Apologies for my absence! It has indeed been far too long. I have been quite occupied in my work over the last few months, and am eager to return to documenting my time in the city.

As you may recall, last year I shared with you my email address (askabelincoln@yahoo.com), so that you could send me questions you may have. I have been quite taken aback by the inquiries, as they have been so insipid! I did not realize my opinion on ”vajazzling” would be so sought after. To settle the query once and for all: if I had to choose, I’d choose an American flag.

Be that what it would, I have received a lovely message from one George Stephenson. I doubt the considerate inventor of the “Stephenson guage” and “Father of the Railways” needs any introduction? I share with you his words:

‘Dear Sir,

I have read with great interest about your adventures in New York. The beer pong incident was particularly amusing. I myself have been a long time admirer of your fair nation, given its extensive use of my steam engine, which proved instrumental during your Civil War. My locomotives could reach speeds of a blistering twenty-four miles per hour, nearly twice as fast as this internet! (I still cannot fathom what said internet runs on. So far all I have learned is that an alarming number of young ladies suffer from a distinct lack of suitable clothing. Mrs. Stephenson and I intend to set up a charity to help clothe these poor wretches. But I digress.)

My friend, I write to you to ask your opinion on the current fiscal difficulties that face our countries. You see, until recently, I enjoyed the privilege of being the face of legal tender. We even shared the same denomination (tho my £5 sterling held greater value, at one point equaling $8.14) until I was replaced in 2003 by Elizabeth Fry. She claims to be out at all hours helping the homeless, though I have evidence that her activities are of a much more shameful type. My question to you is, how can I reclaim my monetary status?

Yours Sincerely,

G. Stephenson’

George, I implore you to return to your technological studies, and forget the spotlight. The United States is far more in need of affordable transit than the United Kingdom needs new coinage! In fact, I find the antics of those Americans who desire to reclaim their fame with tattle and scandal to be quite sad indeed. However, if you so favorably seek public attention, may I suggest trying to bring back I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here? I just can not get enough of those Baldwin brothers.

Best,

A. Lincoln

Dear Readers, I have moved to the Financial District! I enjoy the cobblestone streets and views of...

Thu, 30 Dec 2010 11:09:00 -0500

Dear Readers,

I have moved to the Financial District! I enjoy the cobblestone streets and views of the river, and my apartment is quite subway-convenient. However, I’ve had several encounters with brokers and bankers that have given me some irritation.

Just the other night I was at a tavern in close neighborhood when a young, disheveled gentleman approached to observe my party’s beer pong match. He was quite seasoned (I daresay he’d had enough to fill a pipe of wine!), and began to speak loudly of his occupation and personal wealth. At one point he boasted that he could “buy and sell me.” I feel I need not explain my vexation at this.

He continued to drink and brag of his accomplishments, telling us to “picture like, the biggest house you’ve ever seen, then add the value of the most expensive car you can think of. That’s how much money I make.”

I suppose he is within his right to be proud. $2500 is a fine salary. I simply reminded him that my visage is ON the money he earns, and returned to my game (which I won).

Yours,

A. Lincoln

Dear Readers, I have completed my Christmas list to Old Saint...

Thu, 16 Dec 2010 20:07:17 -0500

Dear Readers,

I have completed my Christmas list to Old Saint Nick! Here is what I am asking for:

a new axe and shovel
a gift certificate to the Big and Tall
Gottschalk’s greatest hits
one of those lovely glass sculptures I see for sale in the East Village. I believe they are fine looking paperweights.

I hope I do not receive coal this year, I was a very good boy.

Yours,

A. Lincoln

Dear Readers, Halloween is fast approaching and I find myself...

Tue, 12 Oct 2010 21:00:00 -0400

Danny Zuko

Playboy Bunny

Lady Gaga

Clown

The Situation

George Washington

Ghost

Dear Readers,

Halloween is fast approaching and I find myself again at a loss of what to wear. I look forward to your thoughts on my current ideas.

Yours Truly,

A. Lincoln

Poke Me!

Tue, 05 Oct 2010 08:25:37 -0400

Poke Me!:

Dear Readers,

I have created a page on the Facebook where I will post updates and fun findings. Please click “Poke Me!” above to join in the fun! Just yesterday I added an album with some of my bobbleheads that I keep on my desk at work.

Yours Truly,

A. Lincoln

Dear Readers, I hope this fine Sunday finds you well. I have...

Sun, 03 Oct 2010 16:56:00 -0400

Dear Readers,

I hope this fine Sunday finds you well. I have been doing some traveling of late, and yesterday I found myself in fine Kennett Square, Pennsylvania. They have several Underground Railroad tours, which I quite enjoyed despite the overwhelming odor of mushrooms throughout the township.

After the tour my companions surprised me with a ticket to the Kennett Square Brewfest. You may be somewhat graveled as to why I conceded to attend this festival, as I am personally a teetotaler. Be it what it would, I have always been outspoken about my view that prohibition is anti-American, and by jingo, I’m from Kentucky!

Though most of my friends were quite seasoned after only a few hours, I quite enjoyed the festivities of the afternoon. I highly recommend you try the “Bacon on a Stick” should you attend next year.

Yours truly,

A. Lincoln

An Evening In Philadelphia

Tue, 28 Sep 2010 07:33:00 -0400

Hello Friends!

It has been awhile indeed. I wanted to share this photograph of my evening at the Phillies game yesterday. Believe it or not, I had my first wiener! All in all I quite enjoyed myself, though I did not end up on the Kiss Cam. I suppose that is for the best, as I received quite a tongue lashing from Mary Todd for staying out late as it is.

Yours Truly,

A. Lincoln

Dear Readers, It is high time I addressed another of your...

Wed, 15 Sep 2010 06:43:00 -0400

Dear Readers,

It is high time I addressed another of your inquiries!

“Hi Abe!

I want to grow a beard. But I can’t. What do you think my next course of action is?

Sincerely,

Beardless in Boise”

Well, Beardless, your fine question is well received. I did not always have my own whiskers, but at the bidding of sweet young Grace Bedell, I decided to adorn my face with the nation’s first presidential beard in the autumn of 1860. At first I worried people would call it a piece of silly affection. I would allow that many of my colleagues worried my beard would negatively impact my career. After successfully emancipating around four million slaves, you can warrant their bare cheeks were red as a Confederate flag.

Worry not Beardless! There are many options for you. If not a beard, why not a chin curtain? Perhaps a fine hulihee or balbo would suit you well? If all else fails, I’m told the ladies quite like a chin puff.

Sincerely yours,

A. Lincoln

Dear Readers, Many have asked me, especially since I began...

Sat, 11 Sep 2010 06:04:00 -0400

Dear Readers,

Many have asked me, especially since I began utilizing the subway system, “Abe, what’s with the top hat?” This question vexes me greatly, and one I dare to answer it with another:

“What’s with your hat?”

Since moving to New York City, modern fashions have been a constant source of discomfiture for me. I see many men walking with their trousers below their bottoms, and the decolletage is enough to make any gentleman blush before breakfast (ladies - a nice pussy bow wouldn’t hurt from time to time). In addition, I have had the misfortune of becoming familiar with phrases such as “muffin top” and “camel toe” (ill-fitted jeggings are the worst), and it is exceedingly shameful.

I am proud to walk tall in my top hat. It is an accessory which many great men have donned (perchance you’ve heard of Slash and T-Pain?), in addition to being most convenient - it is where I store my metro card.

Very truly yours,

A. Lincoln

Hello Dear Readers! With Labor Day upon us (thank you, President...

Tue, 31 Aug 2010 00:40:00 -0400

Abe-y's first McDonalds

Say cheese!

Friends at the Coney Island freak show

"Sir, where are your britches?!"

In need of a trim at karaoke night!

Hello Dear Readers!

With Labor Day upon us (thank you, President Cleveland), we reflect on this summer and summers past. I present to you some of my fondest memories of my favorite season. I hope you enjoy viewing them as much as I did experiencing them.

Very truly yours,

A. Lincoln

Dear Readers, Last evening I spent an enjoyable time with...

Sat, 28 Aug 2010 12:28:00 -0400

Dear Readers,

Last evening I spent an enjoyable time with friends aboard the Lightship Frying Pan. Upon arriving, I surveyed the ship and asked one of the deck hands for a demonstration of its artillery. I was confused when he handed me a bottle of ale (which I did not imbibe though I was grateful for his kindness). My companions explained to me that the ship is no longer in service but is now a floating tavern.

Being out on the water and feeling the wind in my beard much reminded me of my visits to the Naval Yard and cruises on the Potomac. When the music began playing and the revelry increased, I became nostalgic, remembering one evening in particular in May 1861 when musicians from the 71st New York Regiment played for myself and an audience of over two hundred guests. I texted my dear friend and favorite naval officer, Captain John Dahlgren:

AL: Hello Dear Friend! I hope this evening finds you well?

JD: chillen, u?

AL: I am spending an enjoyable evening upon a glorious ship-tavern.

JD: booze cruise?

AL: Of sorts. Are you free to join my party perchance?

JD: nah in with tha wifey 2nite

AL: Well understood. In the future I shall inquire earlier. Do give my warm regards to Madeleine.

JD: peace

I was disappointed that I could not inveigle my friend to join me, but passed a fine evening nonetheless. Several members of our party took quite a seasoning! Should you find the weather suitable, I highly recommend this establishment.

Your Friend,

A. Lincoln

Dear Readers, I apologize for my absence. I spent the weekend...

Mon, 23 Aug 2010 19:40:00 -0400

Dear Readers,

I apologize for my absence. I spent the weekend visiting friends in Delaware (my favorite border state…apologies, Maryland), and had not a minute to spare to attend to my internet dealings. I now present you with my first reader question followed by my response:

‘Dear Mr. Lincoln,

I find myself in troubled waters. My boyfriend of three years is pressuring me to be intimate. I always vowed to wait for marriage, but alas, I feel as though nature may just take it’s course. Please, I beg of you to share your thoughts on pre-marital sex. My future may just hang in the balance.

Yours truly,
Katherine, aka Your Biggest Fan

P.S. - Love the hat.’

Well, Katherine, your agreeable letter and compliments (check back in soon for my Summer fashion review) are well received. I would allow that many young gentlemen find themselves in want of the flesh, and in my own youth I was no different. I struggled when relating to the more delicate sex, and worried that if I did not use it, I would lose it. I even went to visit an obliging working woman at the recommendation of a friend. However, before the act took place I found I did not have enough money to pay her in full. As a man of honor I did not want to take out a line of carnal credit and bid her a good day.

My second experience was with the woman who would become my wife, Mary Todd. We reunited many months after I had broken our first engagement. I will not divulge the details of that evening (a gentleman does not kiss and tell), but I will say that we were married just days later, our first son being born in exactly nine months time. These were responsibilities for which I was ill-prepared; I soon learned that marriage is neither heaven nor hell - it is simply purgatory.

If you are unsure or unwilling to pursue copulation with your beau, do not be coerced to do so. Perhaps you could suggest co-sleeping?

A caution should your attitudes change, Katherine: please do use a womb veil or a French letter.

Your sincere friend,

A. Lincoln

Dear Readers, I have much enjoyed these last few days sharing...

Fri, 20 Aug 2010 07:24:00 -0400

Dear Readers,

I have much enjoyed these last few days sharing with you. I wanted to let you all know that I have expanded this blog to include a feature that allows you to submit questions you may have for me. I promise to be forthright and politic with my responses, and I assure you no topic shall make me all-overish.

Please click ‘Ask a Question’ at the bottom of this page to submit your inquiry, or email me directly at AskAbeLincoln@yahoo.com.

Very truly yours,

A. Lincoln

People often ask me, “Abe, are you a PC man or a Mac...

Thu, 19 Aug 2010 00:56:40 -0400

People often ask me, “Abe, are you a PC man or a Mac man?”

Well, if there is one thing I have long loved about this great union of states, it is our freedom. As I said at Independence Hall in 1861, I have never had a feeling politically that did not spring from the sentiments embodied in the Declaration of Independence. We all, as American citizens, have the right to be free and to choose how we live out our days.

However, this answer rarely seems to please avid technology users of today. So I will finally put this question to rest by sharing with you, dear readers, an encounter I had at the office just today.

I’d had a slew of long, dull meetings and thought I deserved a respite and a snack. When I walked into the break room I was met by two of my colleagues caviling over the question of Macs versus PCs.

After a few minutes of waiting politely, I became somewhat agitated, as the two debaters were blocking the vending machines (from time to time I enjoy a Snickers in the afternoon…you know that 2:30 feeling), and with a full inbox to attend to I had no time for palaver. I lost my manners and interjected so as to end the exchange. I placed my hand on the PC supporter’s shoulder, looked him in the eye and said “Bob, as an American, I respect your right to choose your computer. But as an intellect, I must say that PCs are for ninnyhammers.”

Many people have inquired as to what I enjoy doing now that...

Tue, 17 Aug 2010 07:28:00 -0400

Many people have inquired as to what I enjoy doing now that I’m living in the great city of New York. They are often surprised when I say I relish a night out with my closest friends performing the ancient Japanese art of karaoke.

My first time I was quite shocked by the prices - a dollar a song and not even any Gottschalk in the catalog?? Why, in 1831 a dollar was my wage for driving a wagon of goods all the way from Mississippi to New Orleans! But times have changed and so must I.

I admit I did not want to participate at first, but like I’ve said in the past, no man resolved to make the most of himself can spare time for personal contention. I conceded to the insistence of my friends, and I daresay the audience seemed quite contented with my rendition of My Country ‘Tis of Thee.

Next Saturday I’ll be at Second on Second singing Courtesy Of The Red, White and Blue by a fine young gentlemen named Toby Keith. I don’t much understand the line “We’ll put a boot in your ass” (sure to make any mule more stubborn), but I’m told it’s patriotic. I hope to see you all there.

Yours,

A. Lincoln

On Frederick Douglass

Mon, 16 Aug 2010 08:12:00 -0400

On Frederick Douglass:

It was recently brought to my attention that I am the third most popular historical figure portrayed in the media. Only Jesus Christ and Napoleon Bonaparte are more frequently imitated. This is quite the compliment, and one I am humbled by.

Please click above to view a fairly accurate representation of my relationship with Frederick Douglass. Thankfully, the writers have made the language less profane than I remember. They have also taken some liberties in casting the role of my wife. Like we used to say on the farm, that is one fine hoe.

New York, August 15, 2010

Sun, 15 Aug 2010 21:47:00 -0400

While riding in a taxicab the other day, a friend of mine asked me, “Abe, why don’t you start a blog?” I must admit I felt a bit sheepish when I responded that I had no knowledge of what such a thing was. When he patiently explained to me that a blog was not a black log but a diary of sorts, I was quite intrigued.

And so, dear readers, I have been persuaded to oblige my friend. If there be those who care to read my words and thoughts, I warmly welcome them.

Yours,

A. Lincoln